The Terms of Endearment

What's the difference between being irritating and being endearing?

I know this seems like a simple question because, duh, irritating things are annoying and frustrating and make us mad at people while endearing things are nice, and cute, and make us smile. Here's the thing. If you look at the bare bones things that people find either irritating or endearing...they're exactly the same!! 

My sister talks. A lot. Sometimes (a lot of the time) she doesn't know when to stop and either switch topics or just be quiet. It can get annoying. Yet my sister is a bundle of energy, knowledge, and joy and it's fun to listen to her get excited about random things. It's pretty cute.

That's the only example I'm going to share because I know my sister won't mind me sharing her most irritating and endearing quality with the world. As you can see, though, the action my sister exhibits (talking a lot) doesn't change and yet sometimes it's endearing and other times it's extraordinarily irritating. I'm going to generalize again, but I'm pretty sure this is true of all irritating and endearing habits. The habit or action itself is exactly the same and yet sometimes it's a good thing and sometimes it's not. 

So what makes the difference?

This all came up because I was sitting at the kitchen counter watching my mom search for a recipe in one of many, supposedly organized cookbooks. It was the most hilarious thing to watch because rather than starting at the beginning of the book and turning each page one by one until she reached the recipe she was seeking, she would grab a chunk of pages and turn to the middle, then flip the pages toward the front a few times before deciding she was in the wrong place and she would grab another chunk of pages and skip to a new spot. It was an incredibly disorganized approach because she was constantly re-finding the same recipes and going back over pages she'd already skimmed but still skipping so many pages in between. 

Eventually, after a rather long time watching her do this, I couldn't contain my laughter anymore and I asked her why she didn't just start at the beginning like any normal person. She looked down at the book in her hands like she'd never even contemplated the possibility of looking through a cookbook like that and then went on to give me a rather convoluted explanation about why this way made more sense and worked. I don't think it made any sense at all, but it made her happy. So, after laughing again I told her I thought she was funny and cute and thanked her for making me laugh. She eventually stumbled on the recipe she wanted and as I left the counter she said, "I'm so glad someone finds my little quirks endearing."

I try to be an honest person which means that even though I didn't tell my mom this then, I need to confess now that the first time I watched her leap frog her way through a recipe book I was well on the path to being annoyed. She was looking for a recipe for me and it was taking her forever to find it. I was feeling the weight of the many things I needed to accomplish that day and I didn't feel like I had the time to wander through the pages of a cookbook in such a leisurely manner. I was irritated but because she was trying to do something nice for me I attempted not to let her know I was irritated. She found the recipe and life went on. And then, not two weeks later she was doing the same thing to a different book and it was making me happy!

Why? Because I started following the Terms of Endearment.

Not the little pet names people have for each other to show affection like love, sweetheart, or darling. No, the actual rules and guidelines people need to follow in order to operate endearment effectively. 

Did I know the Terms of Endearment existed two weeks ago? No, I did not. But now that I do I am sure they're going to improve my relationships a hundred-fold. So let me share them with you.

The Terms of Endearment:

*with an Esther-certified guarantee that if you follow the conditions outlined below you will find even the most irritating of habits endearing.* 

Term #1: Respect the individuality of the mind. Respect the fact that no two brains think alike. This might seem obvious when written out, but it's crazy how often we forget to consider this constant variable. Let me remind you of something you were probably never taught -- what makes perfect, logical sense to one person is completely foreign and/or unacceptable and/or scary to another. 

    Example: My sister-in-law has a rule that no hot or too-warm food should be put in the refrigerator. If the food is hot it is left on the counter to cool before finding a place in the fridge. I, prior to visiting her over the weekend, had never heard of this rule. It seemed mighty strange to me considering I've been putting warm and hot food in fridges my entire life. My sister-in-law explained that putting hot food in the fridge might be harmful to the food already in the fridge and be a waste of energy. I could maybe see the logic but not enough to care. Yet, in her mind, putting hot food in the fridge is completely unacceptable and (when I got in trouble for breaking the rule) felt tantamount to sin! Is she wrong? Am I wrong? I'm actually not sure who's right here but I do know it was the perfect reminder that things that make sense to some people are nonsense to others. And that's okay. 

Term #2: Learn the history and reasoning behind the quirk. Ask "why?" There is a reason for everything. I am convinced that people only do things with a purpose and a reason. I call it their ulterior motive. Everyone has an ulterior motive or an explanation for everything they do. You might not think it's a good reason, but just because it's not your definition of good doesn't mean it's not a valid reason. I would wager that there’s no such thing as a bad reason for a quirk, personality trait, or habit. Perhaps unhealthy, misguided, and uneducated but all those are valid reasons for valid behaviors. Learning the history and reasoning behind an action, no matter how confusing or seemingly misguided, goes a long way toward making that action endearing rather than irritating.

    Example: The day after I put hot food in my sister-in-law's fridge, she sat down on the porch steps with me and said something like, "I get that your family has always put hot food in the fridge, but I have never seen another person or family do that." I nodded and admitted that maybe my family wasn't normal. I then thought for a moment and said, "Perhaps that's why my mom often packs the food up but then leaves it on the counter until we're done with dishes, which has never made sense to me. Still it's usually on the hot side of warm when it goes in the fridge and we've never paid special attention to it." I then went on the share with my sister that because my mom has dealt with exhaustion, stress, and a myriad of health issues throughout my life I grew up doing everything I could to reduce stress. If I could put something away so she didn't have to think about it, I would. So, even if the food wasn't cool I'd get it in the fridge so she wouldn't have to stress that it might have been left out. Was it the right thing to do? I don't know. My sister-in-law still has her rule in place but I don't think she was as annoyed by it after learning the reason why I disobey her rule. 

Term #3: Internalize the basic truth that whatever someone is doing, no matter how irritating, it’s not about you. I think a major reason people get irritated by others’ behavior is because it feels personal. When someone acts in a way we don’t understand we automatically assume the worst. That they’re dumb or inconsiderate or they’re trying to annoy us or show us that our way is wrong. It all comes back to our insecurities. If we can recognize that whatever they're doing has more to do with what they're experiencing, their childhood history, their insecurities then we don't have to feel offended or judged by their actions. 

Term #4: Keep it simple—smile. Not every seemingly silly thing people do needs to be pointed out or altered. In fact, I think we should try to intervene and change people as little as possible. (FYI, pointing out someone's potentially irritating behavior is form of intervention. It makes them self-conscious of their habit which is not necessarily good). The rare times you do point it out should be done for 3 reasons and these three reasons only. 

    1. You’re genuinely trying to understand their behavior and are respectfully asking questions about their reasoning and history or how their brain processes something.

    2. You’ve reached a point where their behavior is honestly quirky, funny, and endearing and want them to know they’re cute and make you smile. 

    3. They now know what behaviors you find quirky and can smile and laugh with you. Not at themselves for being dumb, not to cover up the fact that you noticing their quirks makes them uncertain and insecure, but because you both realize you disagree and now it’s something you bond over. 

If you are about to point out a quirk for any other reason beside these three (for judgement, criticism, or to prolong a joke that should have ended long ago), please stop. There is nothing more damaging to a relationship than telling someone that who they are and how they act is bad and wrong. Don't do it. Instead, go back to term #1 and start again. The people you love deserve better. You deserve better than to destroy the potential for endearment with a thoughtless comment. 

I suppose if I were to concise all of these words into one little statement I would say that the difference between finding something irritating and finding it endearing is a choice. However, I find statements like that really irritating because in the moment, when someone is doing something annoying it's really hard to just say, "I choose to not be annoyed." It rarely works. Yes, finding something endearing is a choice but I hope I've given you a few useable ways to make that choice. 

Just remember you're going to get it wrong. That's okay. You're going to get annoyed. That's okay. You're going to keep trying. That's endearing.